dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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