Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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