Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
