ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
