I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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