When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
