Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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