bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I think my fart just growled at me.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
