Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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