he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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