It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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