I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize