Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize