I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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