So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
