Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
