You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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