you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Randomize
