OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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