I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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