Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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