Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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