Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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