I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
