he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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