I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
