So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
