I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
