Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
