they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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