benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize