Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
