remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
