I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
