i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
