dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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