i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
