Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
