By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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