Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
