Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
