the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
