Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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