I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize