I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
