I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish there were birth control emojis
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize