It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize