M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A bitchslap is in order.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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