you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
