My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
