My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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