A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
