Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
