ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
