I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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