Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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