Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
