i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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