Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
